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Writer's picturePHInc. Free Form Writer
Sep 10, 20206 min read

The Lost Light


If you need immediate assistance call 911. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1- 800-273-8255

**We are not medical professionals**

 


Has there ever been a moment in your life where nothing made sense? Where you were so sure you were on the right path of life and discovered the smallest piece of information that shattered everything you had been working towards?

Have you lost your light?

Of course you have. We all have. We all have had a defining moment or many many defining moments in life that change or solidify who we are as humans. Those moments change our perspective so much that we are forced to change in that instant moment.

Here is one of my many defining moments.

I want to remind you that everything I say, write or create is from my own personal perspective and understanding of this life and this path I have been set on.


Your perceiving of this or any of my works is up for your interpretation and that is what makes this so beautiful. I have won this internal battle within me that I have no fear of opinion because you are right in yours for you as I am in mine for me. And remember, anytime you may disagree with what I or someone else has stated please let us know. We can't agree to agree nor disagree unless we communicate. That is one of the two lessons I learned from this moment.

Let me walk you through what brought upon this moment of such loss and how an artistic photography session can have a profound impact on yourself.


When PHInc., was started it was to find my own voice and my own way that I could not find anywhere else. I started it because I wanted to be completely free to express. To heal. PHInc., allows for the absolute freedom of creating an expressive outlet to process emotional and mental trauma and I figured who else to start with then myself. So I did.

In 2016, I began digging into my past and into the war I had survived. I began digging deep and asking questions I was not truly ready to have the answers for and this was one of those moments.


I had found out that the night before our capture in the Bosnian war, that a family member had received news that a siege would be happening and we needed to get out. What made it worse was that the people the message was truly intended for was us and we never got it.

An officer was sent to the home of this member and was told to tell us to get out, for them all to get out. And that family member never said anything. When I found that out, all I could think about was why.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT SAY ANYTHING THAT COULD HAVE POSSIBLY PREVENTED THE HELL WE ALL WENT THROUGH? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I screamed. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't make a sound. Why would a human, especially a family member not say anything? How selfish can they be? How stupid can you be not to believe the sh


it that was happening?

The question "WHY" was so full of anger. I wanted to swim across the Atlantic and grab them by the shirt and scream at them why.

Why didn't you say something when you had a chance? How many human lives could we have saved? Would my aunt and cousin and my uncle still be alive? Would so many of our family and friends be alive?

It took me a little longer to process this than I want to admit. I didn't understand why. There truly was no way for me to comprehend anything that had happened and was happening.

So what do I do when I am a mess? I shop, of course and I shop at thrift stores like no ones business. As soon as I had walked in to this particular thrift shop, I saw the dress. I ran across that room because there was someone else eyeing it and I promise, I would have fought them for this particular piece of clothing. It signified everything to me. This was home made, heavy material, beautiful finishing and innocent was all I could think of.

Then, I thought of all the innocence robbed, myself included.

I asked a dear friend of mine to help me with this Creative Project: The Lost Light because that is all I felt like.

A light searching for something to attach its flame to.

We went to a park and found the densest part of the forest we could. I don't remember anything of my life and if I do it is stories passed not my actual memories. I decided to go back and allow myself to feel all of it. I was in the nature and with mother earth and I knew to the depths of me I had to do this. I had a memory. A memory of a child begging their uncle to bring home their cousin and their aunt. A memory of a child making an adult promise something I KNEW he knew he


may not be able to keep and yet I begged. I remembered that. I remember him promising me. I remember the scream I let out at their graves.

I felt so much guilt and shame. How could I make him promise something like that? I remember the fear I felt knowing I would never see them again, or so many. I recognized in that moment that I could be conscious and relieve what had happened. I realized my memories were not gone but locked way in the darkness of my upbringing.

So, I dug deeper. I dug so deep until I broke and forgave myself for the things I asked and placed upon another human. I was a child. I understand that now. I knew it. As I said, this took me a little longer to process, but I did. Because of that moment I learned that the guilt and shame I felt over what I had asked of my uncle was deep, I can only imagine what their's must be like. And to make this even more crazy, I learned that even the imagination of that humans life and thought process is wrong because I am not that human. To assume to know the thoughts and feelings of another human is to make an ass out of yourself, left and right. So I had to stop ASSUMING I knew why.

I was able to forgive the family member for not saying anything because in that moment I realized I am not that family member, nor my uncle, nor my mom or anyone else for that matter. I realized that as much as I want to answer to WHY, I may never get the truth of that answer because I AM NOT ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. I am not their thoughts, feelings nor actions. I am my own.


I began the process of forgiving myself and healing what I needed to heal for so long. The child within, the lost light.


I accepted that the fate I was dealt vs the one I thought I might want, would have possibly ended me. I would not be here to write this and feel this moment of existence.


I have found a way to live a happy life and I truly believe every human has the capabilities with the resources, guidance, time and faith in self to win the battle against the self.

At the end of the day that is what we are truly fighting against and for. Ourselves.


This is suicide prevention month and I want to encourage you to stay alive. Stay breathing. It may not seem like a lot in the moment, but I do promise the impact that your breath has is monumental and you will never truly know the influence it has. I did not know that and now I do.

I care about you.


Until next time, AH

 

**We are not medical professionals but we will be joined by certified cognitive behavioral therapist.

If you need immediate assistance call 911. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1- 800-273-8255










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